Tuesday, May 16, 2023

Former NFL player R.K. Russell recounts what it was like to come out to his mother

The Yards Between Us, A Memoir of Life, Love, and Football, by former NFL player R.K. Russell, is available now from Andscape Books. In this excerpt, Russell recounts coming out to his mother.

By the end of August 2019 I was nearing a milestone on my journey to living the truth. I had written a letter coming out as the first openly bisexual NFL player and recorded a segment that would run on SportsCenter about my coming out. I had come out to friends. Yet I still hadn’t told my mother.

Coming out to friends was much easier because if things did go badly, I knew I could just make new friends who wouldn’t judge me. You can’t make a new mother. Even if she hated who I was, she would always be my mother. Maybe she wouldn’t claim me anymore, but her blood claimed me. The stretch marks and cesarean scar put my claim on her as well.

I still waited until the day before the story would run. I spent a big chunk of the day writing an email to a few close friends to come out to them in a more personal way. The recipients were close enough to me that I felt they deserved to find out from me, and not from the media, but they were distant enough that they hadn’t already known: colleagues from the NFL and Purdue, my agent, and friends I didn’t talk to often but when I did they felt like home. After I finally sent the lengthy email, I picked up my phone to call my mom. My mom and I always FaceTimed when we talked, unless my mother forgot to charge her phone, as she was known to do from time to time. Then she would call me from the house phone. I voice-called her this time, not sure I could look her in the eye.

It was around 7:00 p.m. in Los Angeles. I was pacing in my kitchen with the phone to my ear. The kitchen was no longer a place for eating but for spilling — spilling tequila everywhere when I was too drunk, spilling my blood on the floor when the panic was too much, and now spilling my secret. My stomach growled, because I had been too busy writing and preparing for what the next day would bring that I had forgotten to eat. But I didn’t feel hunger; I felt a massive flock of anxious butterflies. I put the phone on speaker as the ringing on the other end summoned an answer. It was late in Buffalo, so I thought I might have to call multiple times. I wondered how many more attempts my resolve could handle, but then my mother picked up.

“Hey, baby, everything okay?”

I usually didn’t call my mother this late, so it was understandable for her to sound concerned. I swore I could hear my heart beating over the sound of my fridge making ice.

“Mom, I have something to tell you.”

That one sentence felt like it stripped me bare. There was no going back. The world would know tomorrow, but my mother was my world. She deserved to know me truly first.

“What’s going on, baby?”

On her end, I could hear the TV in the background fading away. A weight settled onto my chest. As I tried to speak, I realized the weight wasn’t just on my chest but surrounding me entirely, like gravity. The pressure was crushing me. I struggled to swallow and open my mouth. There were iron clamps on my temples, clenching tighter and tighter every second.

“Baby, are you okay? You still there?” My mother’s voice cut through the pressure for a moment. Was I okay? I looked at my forearms, decorated with ink dedicated to my loved ones and scars dedicated to oblivion. I stopped pacing and looked at the wooden floor where my blood had pooled only a few months ago. Was I still there? Yes, but barely.

”I’m okay now, but I haven’t been for a long time.” I pulled every word out by force: I told my mother that I was bisexual and that the whole world would know tomorrow afternoon. There was a silence. The pressure that had been pushing me down through the floor was gone. My secret was gone. For a brief moment, I felt relief. That pressure I had just felt – it had always been there, even if I didn’t admit it. It weighed down my heart in every relationship, weighed down my body on the field, and weighed down my spirit when I was searching for purpose. I felt like I was soaring, breaking free of the gravity of the two worlds I had been living in. I could have lived in that moment forever. My mother was not ready to live in it with me, though.

“What about football?”

R.K. Russell (right) with his mother (left).

Andscape Books

Who knew three words could be so devastating? Just like that, I was no longer flying. I wasn’t falling, either, since I had shed the weight of my secret. I was just suspended in space, floating in a new purgatory. How could she not see me? The same boy who was cut from her stomach, who cried until she held me because I knew no sound but the beat of her heart. I was different now, yes. I was a football player, but football wasn’t all of me. Football and I weren’t one and the same. In that moment when I needed her, it felt like my mother chose football.

The conversation didn’t get better from there. She asked me about grandchildren and then asked me more about my career and whether I wanted to jeopardize my dream with such a colossal announcement. None of my answers were good enough. I couldn’t convince her that my true dream, my only real dream, was to be happy. In a way, it was good that the ESPN interview was already set to air. If I’d had this conversation before setting things in motion, I’m not sure I would have done it. That felt like the worst part about all of this. My mother was in tears soon. We needed to get off the phone before thing were said that could never be unsaid. The last thing I heard from her was, “You were my Adonis, my handsome, strong Black man.”

I’ll never forget those words or how they told me that my sexuality made me less in my mother’s mind. After I hung up, I took out my phone to call Corey and realized I hadn’t even had the chance to tell my mom about him. I asked him if I could come over. We would spend the night together and wake up to my coming-out story as a celebration. Regardless of my mother’s reaction, August 29 was going to be a good day.


After my coming-out story was released, my mother and I talked sparingly. This was a significant change from regular FaceTime calls lasting an hour or more. After the story hit, it became public knowledge that not only was I bisexual, but I was also in a relationship with a man. My mother called one day to ask about Corey and when she could meet him. I was driving up Sunset in my black Jeep, with the sun beating down on my face and a light breeze blowing. My mother sounded like her old self, but I was hesitant, her words still echoing through my memory. I told her the basics as if I were reading off a résumé.

“He’s a dancer. We met a couple of months ago at a coffee shop. He’s from Pennsylvania, and I’m really happy.”

“Well, when do I get to meet him? You know I got to make sure he’s right for my baby.”

I was her baby but not her Adonis, not her strong, handsome Black man. I pushed the thought away.

“The Human Rights Campaign is the largest LGBTQ non­profit organization in the world, and they are honoring me at their National Gala.”

“That’s amazing! Where and when?”

“Washington, D.C., in October.”

”I’ll be there.”

With that, I took a wrong turn off Sunset and needed to put my own address into my GPS to get home. Navigating Los Angeles and that conversation was a lot for a recent transplant.

“Momma, I’m lost. Let me call you back later.”

I’m not sure if I heard a sigh or just the midday bustle of the city, but my mom poured extra cheer into her send-off.

“Okay, sweetie, thanks for telling me about HRC. I can’t wait to see you all there.”

I hung up, unable to tell her what I was really thinking, which is that I could wait. I was in no rush to be disappointed again. That phone call had been the first time my mother had ever expressed this kind of disappointment in me in my whole life. One time could be a mistake, but two would seem like a pattern.


Corey and I woke up at 10:00 a.m. in our D.C. hotel, jet-lagged from ten hours of travel the day before. The National Gala was later that night, but first, Corey, my mom, and I were going to spend the day sightseeing and hanging out. For me, it felt more like a testing of the waters. They didn’t know each other. My mom had only known about Corey for a little while, but I had given Corey the impression that she knew about him earlier. I was bringing some last bits of my two worlds together, but being secretive was a hard habit to shake. I wasn’t going to be whole until it happened, though. Setting a collision course was probably the only way to go, in truth. That’s what I did by recording the coming-out interview before telling my mom about my sexuality. I had lined up my two lives, tied a brick to the gas pedal, and sat back to assess the damage. Before this last crash, I wanted to see my mother one-on-one.

While Corey was plotting out a route to the Lincoln Memorial, the White House, and back to the hotel in time to get ready for the gala, I went to my mother’s hotel room. It was only a few floors above ours. Since my mother had announced her plans to come to the event, I had been working to understand her side of my coming out. I was her flesh, her blood, and before I even knew myself, she knew me. So, I tried to imagine one day getting a call that contradicted my sense of my child’s identity. Not so much that they were straight or queer, but that I didn’t know them, not really. That someone could come from your own body, be under your care, be crafted and shaped with your love, time, and kindness, and grow up to be a stranger. Not only had my mother been forced to grapple with this truth, but she had to do it at the same time that her son introduced himself to the world. She had gone from feeling like we were the closest two people in the world to feeling like the only one in the world who hadn’t known me.

As the elevator arrived at her floor, I took a deep breath and walked quickly to room 806. The latch was propping the door open slightly, and I walked in while knocking and announcing my presence. I’d already shocked my mother enough.

When I opened the door, I saw my mom in the bathroom mirror, and she motioned for me to come in as she put on makeup and gave her hair the finishing touches for our day out. It was October but still pretty warm. Knowing we would be doing a lot of walking, I had on gray shorts and a simple black top while my mother was wearing a bright yellow sundress. I leaned my back against the sink so she could see me out of her peripheral vision, and so I wouldn’t have to look at her through the mirror. My throat closed up. My fear of alienating the one person who loved me unconditionally made it impossible for me to speak. Putting down her mascara and taking the final roll out of her cinnamon-colored curls, my mom grabbed my hands.

“I’m sorry about what I said when you first told me.”

I looked deeply into her eyes, and they watered up, threatening her perfect makeup. I squeezed her hand. I still couldn’t find words, but I wanted her to know I was listening.

“When you first told me you were bisexual, I was afraid,” she said.

I felt the heat rising, but I wasn’t sure if it was just me or if the room had gotten hotter. The mirrors weren’t fogging up, so it had to be me.

“My whole life I’ve done everything in my power to protect you, to give you everything you needed to be happy and healthy I wanted you to know that you could pursue any dream. I was afraid, because I’ve seen how the world treats Black men, and I’ve seen how the world treats gay men, and I know better than anyone that you’ve been through so much just for the color of your skin. And now to think that you would be subjecting yourself to attack globally for the contents of your heart … “

She took a moment. Instead of wiping the tears that had by now ruined her makeup, she was wiping a tear from my cheek that I hadn’t even noticed.

“I was terrified, and I couldn’t think of anything I could do to save you. I know what you have sacrificed to play football, or at least I thought I did…. I was afraid this next step would be harder.” My hands started shaking, but that only made my mother’s grip tighter. “My other fear was that I had failed.”

This finally broke my silence: “No!”

“Wait, hear me out. That we weren’t close enough, or I didn’t do enough for you to tell me first. I know I could have done more, and if I had known, I would have done more.”

I stepped away from the sink so I could look down on my mother from my full height and pull her into a hug. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I had to go on the journey alone and I knew it would only bring me back to you — the real me. And I know you’re afraid. I’m afraid too, but we know now there is more love in this world than hate when we seek it out. We are here because I am being honored for who I am, and I wouldn’t be who I am without you.” My tears were starting to soak her curls. I was sure by the time we were done her hair would be straight.

My mother pulled back from me, slowly reached again for my hands, lifted them up, and turned them slightly over. For the first time, she saw the scars on my forearms, and a stern look grew in her eyes. I had known she would be sad to see what I had done to myself, but she wasn’t angry or upset.

She spoke with a bold inflection. “No more secrets. I want to know you.”

I nodded, and she gestured to my arms. I was afraid she would ask what happened. I didn’t want to lie to my mother ever again, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to answer the question. I held my breath until she spoke.

“Baby, I just want to know. Are you okay?”

I couldn’t stop crying. I was finally okay, but I cried over how long I had wanted her to ask that question. I cried for how I had longed to be truly honest with her. I hugged my mom again, and we cried together for a few more moments. This was her first introduction to everything that I was.


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Listen To Their Favorite Ska Music Kpopmap Weekly: Most Popular Dramas & Actors On Kpopmap – 1st Week Of July Kpopmap Weekly: Most Popular Dramas & Actors On Kpopmap – 3rd Week Of August Kpopmap Weekly: Most Popular Dramas & Actors On Kpopmap – 3rd Week Of June Kpopmap Weekly: Most Popular Idols On Kpopmap – 1st Week Of June Kpopmap Weekly: Most Popular Idols On Kpopmap – 2nd Week Of August Kpopmap Weekly: Most Popular Idols On Kpopmap – 2nd Week Of June Kpopmap Weekly: Most Popular Idols On Kpopmap – 3rd Week Of August Kyoto Fusioneering raises $11.7M to build its fusion reactor technologies last-mile cargo delivery Lazzarini’s Air Yacht concept sails both skies and seas with zero-emissions LEE MINHYUK (HUTA) “BOOM” Concert: Ticket Details less expensive Letterwriting Lhyfe Lockheed Martin delivers tactical laser weapon system to the U.S. Navy Lockheed Martin Stalker VXE drone completes a record 39-hour flight Lockheed Martin to build first long-duration energy storage system for U.S. Army long-endurance multiuse drones low-cost batteries low-cost energy storage alternative Low-cost gel film can pull liters of drinking water from desert air low-cost launch system with NASA payload Low-cost self-healing material for robotic hands and arms Maersk launches the world’s first offshore vessel charging station Magnetic tentacle robot small enough to explore the lungs MagniX Maiden flight of Elektra Trainer electric ultralight aircraft Marcel The Shell With Shoes On hits the road to find his family in the movie’s trailer Marvel’s ‘Hawkeye’ Series Embraces the Holiday Spirit in New Trailer (Video) Masten’s NITE system helps landers survive the freezing lunar night Media and Storytelling…Where Are We Going And What Will We Learn? Media vs Medium…And The Blurred Lines Of Content… Meet Cybercat that transforms Cybertruck into an electric catamaran Meet Futa Melbourne hosts the world’s smartest traffic management system Meta introduces its cutting-edge AI supercomputer for AI research Microbial biofilm produces long-term MIT researchers develop low-cost MIT’s Mini Cheetah robot run faster than ever MIT’s solar-powered desalination system is more efficient MIT’s surgical robot could help surgeons treat strokes remotely Mokumono Polder MONSTA X I.M’s Music Show Outfits That Are Simply Unforgettable more efficient more environmentally friendly air conditioner uses solid refrigerants Music Video Review: LE SSERAFIM Debuts With Elegance & Strength With ‘FEARLESS’ Must Listen…Henry Yeh NASA completes wind tunnel test of its X-59 QueSST supersonic aircraft NASA selects three companies to design nuclear power system for Moon NASA’s future Mars helicopters may glow at dusk NASA’s X-59 supersonic aircraft arrives back in California for final integration Natilus heavy-load cargo drones reduce both the cost and CO2 emissions NCT Mark’s Instagram Pictures That Can Serve As Your POV On Various Dates With Him Neoen inks first grid-scale virtual battery contract with AGL for 70 MW Netflix expands ‘Tiger King’ territory with spinoff episodes about breakout baddie Doc Antle Neuroengineers hack fruit fly brain and remotely control its movements New New ‘Cowboy Bebop’ Trailer Hints at Mysterious Past of John Cho’s Spike Spiegel New ‘Death on the Nile’ trailer features Armie Hammer’s first film role since scandal New 3D printing technology fabricates satellite antennas in outer space New Apple Car concept imagines a self-driven New concept could wirelessly charge EVs while they’re in motion New electroactive microrobots can create their own bone New electrolyte paves the way for fire-safe New energy system converts solar energy into electricity on demand New energy-harvesting wearable device made from recycled waste New flexible device turns wasted heat into electricity New flexible supercapacitor could boost the lifespan of wearables New hand prosthesis powered and controlled by user’s breathing New health monitoring wearable that operates without a battery New method for rapid New molecule could boost performance of lithium-oxygen EV batteries New perovskite solar cells achieve a record efficiency of 21.4% New perovskite tandem solar cell with improved efficiency and stability New plug-and-play modular biobattery generates power for weeks New sensor made of sapphire fiber enables cleaner energy and air-travel New smartwatch measures key stress hormones in sweat in real-time New soft robot morphs from land vehicle into flying drone using liquid metal New technique produces hydrogen from banana peels within a few milliseconds New technique uses waste plastic to capture carbon dioxide emissions New technology to effectively remove 99% of carbon dioxide from air New Vetal tail-seater VTOL drone offers a flight time of up to 60 minutes New Wisk engineering hub to support its 6th generation aircraft development News Nissan reveals prototype production facility for all-solid-state battery cells non-flammable batteries for EVs Northrop Grumman to launch new on-orbit satellite servicing mission Northrop-Ball Aerospace team to develop Polar-Orbiting Next-Gen Missile Warning satellites Note Sending An Underappreciated Novel artificial leaf captures 100 times more carbon than other systems Novel water electrolysis technology promises cheaper green hydrogen energy Nuro’s next-gen autonomous delivery vehicle includes external airbag NYK and Sanyo Kaiji launch first ship-to-ship biofuel supply trial in Japan OMEGA X Releases First Full-Length Album OMOY social robot conveys emotions while reading text messages On A Grand Scale… Otto’s ultra-efficient passenger aircraft gets hydrogen powertrain Panasonic introduces 410W EverVolt solar panels with 22.2% efficiency PBR Finishes Its Storytelling Season As It Started Philippines news Photo-enhanced rechargeable batteries convert and store solar energy at once Pilot project producing gasoline from CO2 hydrogenation completes its trials Pinay Pininfarina-designed Xingtu is a smart new energy heavy-duty truck Pinoy Trending plant-based coating can replace plastic food packaging Poise & Power politics PolyJoule unveils ultra-safe polymer battery for stationary storage Popular Korean Webtoon “Solo Leveling” Is Finally Getting An Anime Adaptation Porous silicon material for ultra-pure hydrogen production and storage Pratt & Whitney to use 100% sustainable aviation fuel for engine testing QUIZ: Which MONSTA X Member Is Taking You Out To Dinner This Week? QUIZ: Which VICTON Member Will Be Your Boyfriend? Radian plans to build world’s first truly reusable orbital spaceplane RAF completes first successful drone flight using synthetic fuel Raytheon’s new swarm tech enables one person to operate hundreds of drones recyclable lithium-metal batteries Research project explores use of drones to service offshore wind farms Researchers ‘shift the Sun’ to boost solar cell efficiency Researchers 3D print tiny microscale ice structures Researchers conceptualize energy-efficient Researchers develop artificial muscles made of natural proteins Researchers develop highly efficient and semitransparent solar cells Researchers develop PERC solar cells with 100% recycled silicon Researchers developing construction materials from waste products Researchers propose greener Researchers teach smart microrobots how to swim and navigate with AI Researchers turn urine and industrial sludge into eco-friendly biocement Researchers turned used face masks into flexible Reusable SPARTAN scramjet engine powered by sustainable green hydrogen Rheinmetall’s Panther KF51 main battle tank combines lethality and mobility Robotic wheelchairs to move through crowds smoothly and safely Rolls-Royce to develop mtu electrolyzer for green hydrogen production Rolls-Royce to test its UltraFan aero engine that runs on green fuel Rolls-Royce’s all-electric aircraft officially becomes the world’s fastest Royal Navy’s most powerful attack submarine completes NATO security patrols Russia’s Tu-160M strategic missile carrier made its first flight Salt-friendly hydrogel can harvest liters of freshwater from thin air Sandra Bullock has ‘major Miss Congeniality energy’ in first trailer for ‘The Lost City’ SB-1 Defiant successfully completes FLRAA mission profile test flights SB>1 DEFIANT helicopter completed its first long-endurance flight Second successful flight test of Hypersonic Air-breathing Weapon Concept SECRET NUMBER Guide To Help You Choose Your Bias Serve Robotics’ sidewalk robot completes deliveries at Level 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commands SpinLaunch to test its unique sports Spot robot dog can smell airborne gas or chemical hazards in real-time Spot robot dog to inspect ancient Italian city’s streets State of the art for Europe’s demonstration fusion power plant Stellantis reveals Hurricane twin-turbo engine that cuts emissions StoreDot promises 100 miles of range per 2-minute charge by 2032 Stretchable Students develop an inexpensive filter to remove lead from tap water Stylish Action Movie Successful maiden flight of AeroDelft’s hydrogen aircraft Sunflower pollen-based paper that you can print on and unprint Swedish Government approves SKB’s final repository for spent nuclear fuel SWEL’s Waveline Magnet concept can convert wave power into electricity Symmetrical flow battery stores power in simple organic compound Tactic Air Drone launches its high-performance foldable drone Tattoo Meaning: BoA’s Chiara Wrist Tattoo And Smiley Finger Tattoo Tattoo Meaning: WINNER MiNo’s Korean Lettering Tattoos Tech startup developing general-purpose robots with human-like intelligence technology Teledyne’s new LVSS system comes with advanced counter-drone capabilities Textron’s Aerosonde UAS takes first flight from U.S. Navy destroyer The ‘Everything Everywhere All at Once’ Trailer Throws Michelle Yeoh Into the Multiverse The 4th Generation Male K-Pop Idol Duos We Need To See On Variety Shows ASAP (Part 1) The Best Of JUST B GeonU’s Boyfriend Material Pictures The Best Of Lee JaeWook’s Boyfriend Material Pictures The Best Of SHINee MinHo’s Boyfriend Material Pictures the first Ducati racing bicycle with pedal assistance The Grads Are Here The Joseon Psychiatrist” (2022 Drama): Cast & Summary The Most Beautiful Female Idols Born In 1994-1998 (June 2022) The Most Beautiful Female Idols Born In 1994-1998 (May 2022) The Most Handsome Male Idols Born In 1988-1993 (July 2022) The New Self-Produced Track Of ASTRO’s Rocky The Rose WooSung’s Korea Fanmeet: Ticket Details The Shortest 4th Generation Female Idols (Below 158cm) The Upcoming K-Pop Boy Group With An AI Member These K-Dramas Will Help You Understand The Harsh Reality Of Korean Students This AirYacht concept would let passengers cruise both sea and sky This SeaSearcher can find treasures buried under the seabed Tiny insect-inspired robots that can monitor hard-to-reach spots Tiny skyscrapers help bacteria generate electricity from sunlight Top 10 ASTRO Rocky’s Most Liked Instagram Pictures Top 10 Best K-Pop Comebacks From The First Half Of 2022 Top 10 Instagram Updates By K-Drama Actors (2nd Week Of August 2022) Top 10 Instagram Updates By K-Drama Actors (3rd Week Of May 2022) Top 10 Instagram Updates By K-Drama Actors (4th Week Of May 2022) Top 10 Instagram Updates By K-Pop Idols (4th Week of June 2022) Top 10 K-Drama Characters That Still Make Us Wonder How They’re Doing Top 10 K-Pop Debuts From The First Half Of 2022 Top 10 MONSTA X I.M’s Most Liked Instagram Pictures Top 10 Most Beautiful Actresses According To Kpopmap Readers 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Veterinary student builds 3D printed prostheses for injured dogs Viola Davis Is a Dead Ringer for Michelle Obama in Showtime’s ‘The First Lady’ Teaser Viral viral post Watch an Exclusive Full-Length Trailer for Hulu’s ‘The Girl from Plainville’ Watch the Trailer for Netflix’s Gay Holiday Film ‘Single All the Way’ Waterless cleaning system to remove dust on solar panels waterproof fabric turns human motion into electricity We Tried The Suggestions… Which Male Actor Would You Love To Meet In Your Dream? 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Why E’LAST Is A K-Pop Group You Can’t Take Your Eyes Off Why We Love Kep1er’s DaYeon And Her Multi-Faceted Persona Winning The Attention To Detail Battle: USAA and Army Navy… wireless charging roads Wisk secures $450 million to advance certified autonomous electric flight WonHo Is A Huggable Teddy Bear In These Pictures With Wonderwall WOODZ “COLORFUL TRAUMA” Live In Bangkok: Ticket Details World’s first commercial sand battery installed in Finland World’s first helicopter flight powered by 100% sustainable aviation fuel World’s first hydraulic hybrid multicopter can fly up to 900 km World’s first liquid-mirror telescope for astronomy is set up in India World’s first wind turbine with recyclable blades installed in Germany World’s largest aircraft reaches new heights in its seventh flight World’s largest direct air capture plant will capture 36 World’s largest RO water desalination plant reaches 50% production capacity World’s largest solar process steam plant to be built in Saudi Arabia Xiaomi unveils its first full-size humanoid robot Yamaha and Toyota partner to develop high-performance hydrogen engine YOUNITE Announces Their First Comeback With EP “YOUNI-Q” ZEN50 solar-electric catamaran features fully-automated wingsail Zenith AeroTech showcases tethered aerial vehicle for first time zero-emission “Infinity Train” zero-emission ambulance in the U.S. zero-emissions hyperplane ZeroAvia to test 19-seat hydrogen-electric aircraft in California ZEVA completes first untethered test flight of its weird-looking eVTOL aircraft Zuri unveils new-gen hybrid-electric VTOL aircraft with 700 km range

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